INTRODUCING OPERATION: BLACKOUT
When you wear these all black Mach G sunglasses, you don't just join an elite sky force. You also earn the title Basic Bitch. That’s right. You heard us. BASIC BITCH: Badass Aviator Speeding Into Clouds Best In The Cockpit Hahaha. So, own it. You basic and you know it. (Disclaimer: These sunnies will not make you better at backronyms.)
SEVEN PRINCES OF HELL VOTE “BLACKOUT” TO BE NEXT 2020 CATASTROPHE
In a narrow 4-3 decision, the Seven Princes of Hell voted for a worldwide blackout to be the next catastrophe to strike mankind during the year 2020. Currently the human race is suffering from a global pandemic, systemic racism, economic inequality, wildfires, floods, tornadoes, murder hornets, JK Rowling’s tweets, and Kanye West’s presidential campaign.
“A blackout is deliciously subtle,” said Lucifer, the Prince of Pride. “Humans are hopelessly addicted to electricity -- their precious phones, computers, TV’s, video games, lights, refrigerators, air conditioners, heaters, ovens, washers, dryers, and pour over coffee makers. Without power, they’ll be powerless against the madness. WA HA HA HA HA!”
Satan the Prince of Wrath, Leviathan the Prince of Envy, and Belphegor the Prince of Sloth joined Lucifer to vote for “Seven day worldwide blackout.” Meanwhile, Beelzebub the Prince of Gluttony, Mammon the Prince of Greed, and Asmodeus the Prince of Lust voted for “All the volcanoes to explode big-ass amounts of lava.”
“Not gonna lie, I’m pretty disappointed,” said Beelzebub, who drafted the volcanic option. “I was watching that game show Floor Is Lava on Netflix, while indulging in a little medicine, if you know what I mean, and I had an epiphany. ‘Whoa! What if the fake lava....was real lava?’ The thought of all those humans scrambling onto their rooftops -- I lol’d so hard.”
Other options on the list of potential 2020 catastrophes included “A.I. rebellion,” “alien invasion,” “zombies that can run,” “earthquake Saturdays,” and “ice-nine.” The Seven Princes of Hell plan on voting for a new catastrophe as soon as the effects of the blackout get repetitive. “We don’t want to go too big too soon,” Asmodeus explained.
The blackout will reportedly begin as soon as a majority of humans feel hope for the future. “We’re not in any rush,” confided Satan, while adjusting his stylish Operation: Blackout black aviator sunglasses. “I prefer the little tortures. Like stealing people’s packages in apartment buildings. That’s how I got these sunnies. Sorry, ‘Lily Hanson.’ HA HA HA!”